They need our help in managing them to better manage us.
Our bosses disappoint us. Sometimes often. But before we label them as bad or ill-intentioned, let’s recognize our bosses are human. And usually when they fail to meet our expectations, it’s simply that we’ve not trained them on how to lead us. Here’s how to do it gracefully.
Modern Mentor is hosted by Rachel Cooke. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey, it’s Rachel Cooke, your Modern Mentor. I’m the founder of Lead Above Noise—a firm specializing in helping teams and organizations optimize their working experience— often through developing new leaders to ensure they master the basics.
And if I’ve learned anything over the years about leaders it’s this: most of them want to do a great job supporting their teams. And when they show up as less than ideal it’s almost always because they don’t know what awesome looks like. Because, listener, while they need to be the expert on a lot of things, only we are the experts in leading us. They need our help in managing them to better manage us.
A good friend of mine is a doctor at a renowned children’s hospital. She’s one of the best in her field and has worked harder than most to get to where she is. Also, she’s a single mom. And proud of it.
Recently, when a big opportunity arose in her world, she decided to go for it. But before she could get her hat in the ring, her boss told her the job had gone to someone else. “I know how much you’re balancing,” he told her, “between the job and your kids. I didn’t want to put that pressure on you.”
My friend was devastated. Her boss meant well—truly, he did. But his good intentions left her in a pit of despair. He made assumptions when he should have been asking questions.
I see this kind of thing often. Our bosses mean well. But they often aren’t asking the questions they should. So, we can accept that—along with the consequences—or we can step into the driver’s seat and help them manage us as we’d like to be managed.
Will they follow our counsel every time? Um, not a chance. But if we give them good intel at the start, our chances of being led well are just better.
Here are some things you can do to manage your manager into excellent management of you.
A different friend called me a few weeks ago from the car. “I’m taking my mom’s iPad in to be fixed. Because that’s what she wants for her birthday. How weird is that? What ever happened to a nice sweater?”
And I was like “Friend, that’s not weird at all. Sounds like the perfect gift to me! But acts of service are my love language. Probably hers as well.”
Yeah, love languages are a thing. You can google it. But the point is this. We’re all lit up by different things—none weirder or better or worse than the other.
And this concept applies at work as well. There is no good or right way to lead someone—the best way is in accordance with how they prefer to be led.
So what can you share about yourself with your boss to offer some direction?
How do you most enjoy working? How do you prefer to communicate? How do you like to receive feedback? Do you enjoy being coached? Do you like receiving more direction upfront, or less?
You may not win all of these. Your boss has prefs too. But starting off by letting them know what makes you happy gives your boss a chance to try to meet you where you are.
Most people show up to work for more than just a paycheck. Research from Gallup tells us that “the ability to do what I do best” is one of the top drivers of employee engagement. Moreso than the paycheck.
And doing what we do best often—hopefully—leads to growth. Development.
You strive to shine, to impress. Amiright? But what you’d like to grow into is specific to you.
Maybe you’re really wanting a leadership role—and what you need is more opportunities to connect with senior leadership. And your boss just isn’t making it happen.
Does your boss know this is what you want? Have you told them? Because while it is their job to support you, it’s not their job to predict or anticipate where you’d like to go next.
There are countless skills you could be striving to develop—giving your boss a clear sense of direction and a compass will really help them to help you.
So be bold—not entitled—in offering insight into your career aspirations. And invite your boss to help connect you with opportunities and activities designed to move you there.
Give feedback to your boss? Ugh—cringe! But stay with me. Because if you do it skillfully and thoughtfully, your feedback will be helpful and appreciated.
Back in my days of being an employee, I gave a presentation one day to a group of senior executives. My boss was in the audience.
This presentation was a big deal—and I’d prepped hard for it.
At one point, we took a short break. And my boss hopped over to me and said, “Hey—I thought these 3 things were really great. But did you consider pulling points A, B, and C into your presentation as well?”
In that moment, I was appalled. I’m in the middle of this huge nerve-wracking thing and he’s giving me feedback? As my head filled with rage and profanity—both of which I managed to contain—I set it aside and kept on going.
Later that day, after dozens of deep breaths, I decided to give my boss some feedback. And while I was tempted to start with “WERE YOU KIDDING ME??? Do you have any idea how distracting that was for me?” I opted instead to go this way: “Hey, while the content of your feedback earlier was helpful, candidly, the timing made it challenging for me to receive. I was nervous and focused, and it caught me off guard. In the future, unless something is on fire, we might save feedback for after the close of an event?”
He was SO apologetic. His intentions were all good—he wanted me to end on the best note possible. He just hadn’t realized how giving it at that moment might have thrown me off my game.
Know what? It never happened again.
As long as you’re graceful and constructive, your feedback will be well-received.
Back the to thing about your boss being human… humans love to feel recognized for a job well done!
Keep it authentic and never patronizing, but positive reinforcement goes a long way.
Let’s say you’ve let your boss know that you’re trying to speak up more during team meetings. But other members of your team tend to hog all the air time. And you’re struggling to break in. So you let your boss know.
When you show up to the next meeting, your boss poses a question, lets the hoggers have their moment, and then says “Thanks for those points. But [insert your name], I wonder if you have anything to add before we move on?”
This is a small gesture of notice and kindness. But it shows they were listening. And they’re trying. So later, give them some praise—let them know this was seen and appreciated.
So far, the theme’s been “use your words.” Ask for what you want, give feedback, show appreciation—these are all verbal strategies you’ve gotta start with.
But all of them together may still not be enough to train your boss.
Sometimes you’ve gotta back up your asks with action.
Do you want more space to try new ways of servicing customers? Great—ask for it. But then, throw some ideas on the page. Show your boss what you’d like to try, what impact it will have, and how you plan to monitor or measure success.
Want a chance to lead a project? Start by asking for it. But then find a project in process and ask its leader if there’s anything you can take on to support the work. And show your boss what steps you’ve been taking.
Sometimes we have more luck teaching through actions rather than words. So if words are failing you, then give action a try.
Join me next week for another great episode. Until then, visit my website at leadabovenoise.com if your organization is looking to dial up its Employee Experience or deliver some leadership development that activates change. You can follow Modern Mentor on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Find and follow me on LinkedIn. Thanks so much for listening and have a successful week.