Saying hard things at work is hard. Sometimes we avoid saying them at all. Sometimes we say them in ways that damage our personal brand. But there’s always a middle ground. Let’s talk about some of the things we all struggle to say and find ways to say them better.
Saying hard things at work is hard. Sometimes we avoid saying them at all. Sometimes we say them in ways that damage our personal brand. But there’s always a middle ground. Let’s talk about some of the things we all struggle to say and find ways to say them better.
Modern Mentor is hosted by Rachel Cooke. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey, it’s Rachel Cooke, your Modern Mentor. I’m the founder of Lead Above Noise—a firm specializing in activating workplaces. Helping leaders end the tug of war between driving results and employee engagement. We do leader bootcamps, keynotes, and Pulse checks to help you drive both together.
So, the other day I was on a train. I was prepping for a meeting. Silently, in my head. But a few rows behind me a woman was on the phone, presumably with her boss. She was near tears, listing the many items on her plate, claiming the near impossibility of getting it all done. She sounded pretty hopeless.
Overhearing this (and putting aside my personal feelings about very loud phone calls on otherwise very silent trains), I was having two simultaneous reactions. The first was “I feel you.” We’ve all been there. She’s clearly carrying more than she can handle and she’s crying out for help.
But the second? It was “Ooh, friend, while what you’re saying is valid, you’re not doing you or your personal brand any favors in how you’re saying it.”
Which got me thinking about other conversations as well that I think we need to be having…but having constructively. In ways that do three key things: (1) transmit our point, (2) trigger action, and (3) preserve (hey, even serve) our personal brands (you know – the ways in which we are generally perceived by others at work).
I’d love to share some of those situations today, along with some (hopefully!) helpful suggestions on how to manage these tricky conversations.
So let’s stick with our friend on the train. Again. She’s overwhelmed and looking for some support or relief. Fair. She is anything but alone right now. And frankly, I give her credit for saying it out loud. Because too many people are just trying to be heroes right now. Often at the expense of their own health. And Marvel movies aside, in real life nobody needs you to be a superhero.
But the alternative doesn’t have to be crying on the train. And to be clear, I’m not criticizing tears at work. Sometimes we’re having a really big feeling, and crying is the release we need. And I say let it go.
That, however, is not the case here. What she really needed was help. And there’s a better way to ask for it – one that sets you up as a proactive problem solver.
Had she asked for my advice, I’d have suggested the following:
· Release your emotions first. You’re obviously overwhelmed and you need to let it go. So have a good cry. Alone, or with a colleague or friend – just to clear it out.
· Then make a list of all the things you on your plate right now
· Then ask yourself a few questions like:
· Which feel more important or essential?
· Which do you think could be postponed or even simplified?
· Which could benefit from having some collaboration from another team or colleague?
· What are the risks (angry client, lost revenue, extra cost)
· Then call your boss, with a focus not on your personal feeling of overwhelm but on your professional concern for the risks and your specific ask – for a stretched deadline, a partner, or whatever else you feel you need.
When we focus on risk and results and we offer a thoughtful plan, I guess we’re kind of the hero after all.
A lot of my clients are senior within their organizations. I get to hear their challenges and frustrations. Many of them are industry or even company-specific. But others tend to be fairly universal.
One of the universal biggies is some version of this: “our employee engagement survey tells us that every junior person in the organization is unhappy with our career development opportunities and believes they deserve a promotion. Like, tomorrow.”
And I gotta tell you. When I talk to their teams, I tend to hear the same.
Now here’s the thing. There’s a fine line between ambition (which I celebrate at every turn), and entitlement. Because candidly, when you’re working hard you absolutely deserve to feel recognized and celebrated. But it doesn’t mean you’re owed a promotion right now.
But this is something that more and more managers tell me their team members are demanding. And I gotta tell you – if you’re someone who’s made this demand. I celebrate your self-advocacy but you’re not doing yourself any favors.
So what’s a better way? Well, it’s letting your boss know where you’d like to get to when the time is right, making sure they see any steps you’ve taken to prepare yourself, and then asking for an honest assessment of what more you can do to prepare, and what might be a reasonable timeline for a new opportunity.
Something like, “I’d really love to be managing a team at some point. I took that leadership fundamentals course that HR has been offering. I’ve started coaching some of my peers, and I’m taking a lead role on that new cross-functional project. Is there anything specific that you think I should be learning or doing so that when the next role opens you might consider me a fit for it”
I mean, make it your own. But when you go in with confidence but also curiosity and respect for reality, your boss will be so much more incentivized to throw your name in the hat when the time comes.
We’ve all been there. You built the presentation. You’re just waiting on the data from Finance. And they’re not delivering. And you’re frustrated!
So you go to your boss, understandably, and you vent. You accuse your finance colleagues of being disorganized or lazy. You care about company outcomes and they don’t. And whatever else is on your mind.
In my experience, though, 9 times out of 10, Finance has their own version of that story. Like about how your team always demands data without warning. You have no respect for their timelines and you expect them to jump when you snap.
If you come in hot, complaining about how Finance is lazy, that kind of makes you look…a little lazy. As in – you haven’t thought more broadly about what might be causing this on repeat.
Instead, when you come in with curiosity and empathy, you show up the bigger person and you solve the bigger problem.
So instead of the venting, next time try “So here’s what happened. I said or did XYZ and they said or did ABC and here’s the poor outcome that followed. Would you help me deconstruct where the breakdown occurred and then we can work together to propose solutions?
This sets your boss up to have a positive, constructive conversation with their peer leading the Finance team. And no one has pointed a finger.
And if it turns out to be that 1 in 10 situation where the person really is lazy? Well, let your boss be the one to say it. You rise above it.
Ugh. The dreaded “I have to give my boss feedback” moment has arrived.
Awkward. Difficult. But essential. For your sake and theirs.
So lean in. But focus on opportunity and constructive suggestions over complaints.
Instead of “You’re micromanaging me and it’s crushing my soul” try “I’d love a chance to run with this and get you an update by Friday. And I promise I’ll check in if a question or problem arises.”
Or instead of “Your feedback feels generic and useless” try “I so appreciate when you take the time to give me feedback. It would be even more valuable to me if you could focus it on specific actions I might take – just so I’m clear on what you mean by ‘being more strategic’ or ‘being a thought partner.”
Even when you’re feeling the urge to complain, when you can articulate something actionable, the likelihood your boss will change just rises.
Next time you’ve got something hard you need to say, start with a pause. And ask yourself not what you need to unload in the moment, but what change you want to see. And then consider, what might be the most effective path to getting there?
Join me next week for another great episode. Until then, visit my website at leadabovenoise.com if your workplace could use an activation boost – a bootcamp, a keynote, a Pulse check – you choose. You can follow Modern Mentor on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Find and follow me on LinkedIn. Thanks so much for listening and have a successful week.
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