Communication is one of the most important things we all need to do—whatever our profession of choice
With all the wisdom about communication out there, somehow we’re still missing so many opportunities to get it right. Today Modern Mentor shares 5 key communication missteps she plans to avoid in 2023!
Modern Mentor is hosted by Rachel Cooke. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a question for Modern Mentor? Email us at modernmentor@quickanddirtytips.com.
Find Modern Mentor on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn, or subscribe to the newsletter to get more tips to fuel your professional success.
Modern Mentor is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/modern-mentor-newsletter
https://www.facebook.com/QDTModernMentor
https://twitter.com/QDTModernMentor
https://www.linkedin.com/company/modern-mentor-podcast/
https://www.leadabovenoise.com/
Hey, it’s Rachel Cooke, your Modern Mentor. I’m the founder of Lead Above Noise—a firm specializing in retaining, engaging, and developing talent. So… big news on my end. I deleted a social media app from my phone. Like, I open my phone and the app just isn’t there. And I gotta say—I’m feeling 10 pounds lighter. And I now realize it’s because in my time on this app, I was watching a bunch of stuff play out that we were calling communication and debate and discourse. But really it was a bunch of yelling and name-calling and finger-pointing.
Oh, and also I’ve realized that this isn’t just happening in the apps. These past few years have been something of a doozy. And many of us—on some days myself very much included—have gotten a little primal in our communication. We’ve let the intensity of things around us get the best of us. And we’ve made some missteps.
But communication is one of the most important things we all need to do—whatever our profession of choice. And I think it’s time to reflect on some of the missteps we’ve made, call them out, and commit to doing better in the new year.
How about I share mine? And I’d love to hear what’s on your communication to-don’t list for next year.
Sheila Heen is the mastermind behind Difficult Conversations—a must-read for any leader or human who has to have, well, difficult conversations with some kind of regularity.
And I heard her tell this story once about driving around with her son when he was a toddler. Every time they’d get to a red light, her son would say “it’s green.” And as soon as it would turn green, he’d say “it’s red now.”
Fueled by concern that he was either color blind or really persistent at a bad practical joke, she finally turned around one day (safely—because the light was actually red) and she realized that the position of his car seat had him seeing the light from a different angle. He really was seeing green while she saw red.
She uses this as a metaphor for what so often happens when we communicate. We’re sitting with whatever information and context we have, assuming the other party has the same. But often, where they’re sitting offers a different point of view.
Like when I get annoyed at my kids for complaining about having to go to school. But then I remember—I’ve seen what a good education has done for me. So far they’ve just seen tests and stress and middle school drama.
Or when I quickly explain a leadership concept to a client who puts up a hand and says “wait, what?” and I have to remind myself I eat, sleep, and breathe this stuff all day while they’re doing the job of coding or marketing or patient caring.
My bank of knowledge isn’t better than anyone else’s. It’s just different. And always keeping that top of mind helps us to be better communicators. Helps us keep frustration at bay, to remember to explain things patiently, to ask the right questions, and more.
My older daughter likes to joke that no one can ever win an argument with me. Also, I’m just now realizing she’s not joking.
She’s right. I’m an excellent arguer. But also, I’m stubborn as an ass (the animal, so I can say that).
I come in hot with a point of view and I’m so focused on winning sometimes that I lose the ability to be curious and really take in another point of view.
I struggle with it personally more than professionally if I’m honest. But I work with leaders who definitely struggle professionally.
One client of mine loved using the phrase “strong opinions loosely held” which I’ve since added to my own arsenal of great wisdom. Have a point of view—truly always. But hold it loosely—so that you know what it is, but you’re not so attached that you can’t absorb other possibilities.
Have a point of view, for example, on how you’d like to structure your presentation. But if a colleague mentions they’ve already presented to the same audience and offers a tip on how they were successful, stay open to hearing that and letting it inform how you run your show.
Keep your curiosity at the forefront. And I’ll do the same.
I’m pretty busy these days. You? I know. It’s all of us, right? And if you’re a regular listener you know I preach a lot about the importance of focusing on doing the few impactful things versus trying to get it all done every day.
But even when we’re focused on the right stuff we can still get overwhelmed.
And when I start to experience stress, my go-to move (because we all have a go-to move under stress) is to double down on getting down to business.
It’s great to be efficient with our time. To get right to the point. But also if these past few years have taught us nothing else, they’ve taught us how truly important connection is. And also how quickly we can create a moment of it.
So my big commitment to myself for next year is even in my busiest moments, any human interaction I have will begin with connection. Even just 5 minutes of small talk—about family or TV or an upcoming vacation—can keep humanity at the forefront of even the most businessy of business meetings. And isn’t every meeting just better when we all remember our humanity?
I have this one client—a CEO. And he has this problem with his leadership team. They often ask him for things that he doesn’t want to give them. They want him to weigh in on who owns which decisions in the face of disagreement. Or they want templates for certain reports they have to write.
The team keeps asking for these things. And each time they do, the CEO kind of rolls his eyes in frustration. “They should be collaborating more effectively, they shouldn’t need decision rights” or “I want them thinking creatively—and a template would limit them. Why do they keep asking for one?”
And what I finally had to tell him was this: “You’re listening well to the words they’re saying. But also, you’re missing the insight."
They’re asking for models and templates. But they’re telling you they’re struggling with something and they need your help. They need clarity or direction or guidance. Rather than saying no to their requests, ask them why they need these things. Probe until you find the insight.
This applies to me—and all of us—sometimes. Has your boss asked you 14 times this week how that project is coming along? Maybe the insight is he’s feeling in the dark and needs you to share periodic updates.
Are you a customer service professional tired of constantly answering the same questions? Maybe your customers are offering an insight about information that should be prominent on your website.
There’s insight in almost everything if we’re keeping our ears and egos open enough.
Let’s own this one together.