I’ve really been encouraging clients to focus on singular relationships.
Organizations are struggling to build “Capital C” Connection in a world of hybrid teams. I’ve been challenging them, instead, to focus on helping teams build better relationships—one-on-one and on their own terms. This episode offers a series of pointers on how to do this well.
Modern Mentor is hosted by Rachel Cooke. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey, it’s Rachel Cooke, your Modern Mentor. I’m the founder of Lead Above Noise—a firm specializing in helping teams and organizations create better working experiences that deliver better results.
I keep talking to organizations that are struggling, specifically, with the feeling of connection they feel they’ve lost in recent years. They’re trying to figure out the big things—like how to rebuild culture in a world of hybrid or geographically dispersed teams.
In these conversations, I’ve really been encouraging clients to focus instead on singular relationships. On inviting people at all altitudes of the organization to really prioritize creating connections on their terms. And it’s led to my delivering a number of workshops to teams designed to get people moving in this direction. Shoot me an email if your team could use a quick-hit workshop on building relationships to drive connection.
But today, let’s talk about a few of the ideas I’ve been covering in these sessions. And let’s hope something in here resonates for you.
In these workshops, I ask participants to take a brief self-assessment to provide some insight into their default communication style.
But I invite you to be scrappy. And collect some insight on your own—no assessment required.
Choose a handful of people you trust. Let them know you’re not looking for back pats and accolades, but for real insight into the good, bad, and ugly of how you show up. Ask earnestly for honesty. And then be open to hearing it.
I’ve done this before. And I’ve heard things like:
· You’re generally pretty calm and cool. But when the pressure’s high or a deadline is looming, you get very directive (because we don’t say “bossy” anymore).
· You ask great questions. And you listen well to the answers. But sometimes the discussion goes just a little too long—and we need you to make a decision sooner.
This has been helpful intel for me. It’s great to know what I do well. But it’s also helped me pay more attention to how I navigate stressful moments, or how long I let a conversation go before I call time.
Knowing your style helps you choose the spots you want to work on in service of building stronger relationships with those around you.
Ask questions that will deliver facts, data, and timelines. But also. Make time to ask questions with the sole purpose of sparking conversation. To get to know someone a little better—without being intrusive.
Not sure what to ask? My friend Naomi just introduced me to a fun, free tool. It’s a check-in question generator which you can find at TheDigitalWorkplace.com. And it’s a great way to kick off a meeting—whether in a group or one-on-one. It will generate questions about your career dreams from when you were 8 or the best places you’ve traveled to.
Connecting with others doesn’t have to be deeply personal. But bringing small bits of the you that lives outside of the office—and finding those bits in others? It’s a great way to find shared interests, to learn about how someone thinks, or frankly just to chuckle. Couldn’t we all use an extra dose of laughter at work sometimes?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
So, you’re really good at this thing. Your colleague is working on a project that involves a heavy dose of that thing. You offer to help him out. He says no thanks. Because he is obviously full of himself and way too good to need your help.
Right? Maybe. But in reality… he said “no thanks” because he sees how often you’re being tapped to help people with that thing. And he’s trying to shield you from one more ask.
So often, there are facts. Like you offered help and he said no thanks.
And then there are the ways in which we interpret the facts. And many of us—I mean, not me, of course, because I’m deeply confident at all times—default to assuming the worst of someone else.
I say—unless someone has truly and explicitly offended you—when your first reaction is to feel hurt, ask yourself “What’s another possibility here? And am I willing to believe it?”
Say yes to yourself whenever you can. Because rarely are people mean or malicious. More likely they’re busy. Or anxious. Or a million other things that have nothing to do with you.
So let’s give them the benefit of the doubt in service of preserving that relationship.
You know how when you have a coffee date with a colleague booked and a meeting pops up, you almost always cancel the coffee date? But if a meeting is booked and a colleague asks you to coffee, you’re like “nope—got a meeting”?
We gotta stop this. I mean, not 100% of the time. Sometimes a really urgent meeting pops up and we have to take it.
But that should be an exception.
The rule should be that time spent connecting with a colleague matters. Because building relationships helps us to better collaborate. To more safely share ideas, to give and receive feedback.
So invest time. And hold that time. It is indeed time well spent.
I run a modulated leadership program for this one client. I’ve delivered it so far to five cohorts of their leaders.
The first module includes a panel discussion with 3 of the company’s senior-most leaders. It’s a conversation about how they’ve developed and evolved their leadership styles over the years.
One of the leaders, Brie, says the same thing every time. She says “I’ve learned to listen to learn —not just to hear.” And every time the room falls silent. And it’s magic and I love it. So now I’ve stolen it. With full credit to Brie.
We all know we need to listen. But Brie’s point—or at least my interpretation of it—is that the best listeners are listening for more than just words, ideas, or facts. They’re listening to extract meaning or insight.
Like when a colleague keeps telling you about their kid and their parents and their weekend job. They may be telling you about those things. Or they may be saying “Hey. I’ve got a lot going on. I’m kind of overwhelmed. I need some help.”
Or when your boss says “that update email you sent this week was awesome.” He may be dropping you a compliment. Or, he may be saying “Hey—it really helps me when you keep me in the loop. If you could do that every week or two that would really be useful.”
If you’re not sure what’s really being said, don’t be afraid to ask. But when you listen to find meaning, your relationships can only be improved.
So where will you begin?
Join me next week for another great episode. Until then, visit my website at leadabovenoise.com if your organization is looking to dial up its Employee Experience or deliver some leadership development that activates change. You can follow Modern Mentor on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Find and follow me on LinkedIn. Thanks so much for listening and have a successful week.