Let’s talk about what makes a conversation crucial, and how we can have solid ones that leave everyone feeling like a winner.
There are so many conversations we know we should be having—the hard, the awkward, the uncomfortable. But we put them off for fear of making things worse. It’s time to have that conversation. Here’s a simple framework to help make it a win for everyone.
Learn more about Crucial Conversations.
Modern Mentor is hosted by Rachel Cooke. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey, it’s Rachel Cooke, your Modern Mentor. I’m the founder of Lead Above Noise—a firm specializing in helping teams and organizations optimize their working experience. The thing about great working experiences is that, well, they require hard work. And I mean hard not so much in effort, but in our shared willingness to talk about stuff. Like, stuff that feels uncomfortable, or awkward, or likely to trigger feelings we just don’t wanna deal with.
So many of us—yep, me too—are guilty of just not having that conversation. Because really, things right now aren’t that bad, right? And yet, if we had it, and had it well, we know in our hearts things could be so much better.
Like, imagine your boss is great. Mostly. He’s supportive of you, he coaches you, he respects your boundaries… but you’re ready for the next level. And you need exposure to other leaders. And any time you work on a presentation, your boss does all the presenting while you sit quietly in the back.
Or maybe you have a colleague who is smart and well-meaning, but they have certain habits that make collaboration painful. Like they send 17 emails that—if they’d done just a bit of organizing—could have been one. Or they don’t check with you before making decisions that leave you with extra administrative stuff on your plate.
In both of these situations, you could just not have the conversation. Because nothing horrible is happening. But wouldn’t life just be better if you went for it?
These dreaded moments require us to have something called a Crucial Conversation…which is an actual book and I’ll put a link to it in the show notes if you’d like to read more.
Today let’s talk about what makes a conversation crucial, and how we can have solid ones that leave everyone feeling like a winner.
What is a crucial conversation?
There are all sorts of important conversations that could or should be had. But what makes something specifically a crucial conversation? There are 3 criteria: (1) opposing views, (2) high stakes, and (3) strong emotions.
Opposing views is probably pretty self-explanatory, but it just means there’s not an obvious “right” or “wrong.” It’s not, for example, a conflict between someone harrassing and being harrassed. There’s no objective offense or failure to point to. You feel one way and presumably the other person feels another.
High-stakes means this thing really matters. In the examples I gave, the stakes are your ability to get promoted or to manage your time effectively. It’s not a matter of disagreeing whether this year’s holiday party should be beach or city themed. The consequences and impacts are real.
And finally, strong emotions means someone could really get hurt or offended if things aren’t handled properly.
Next time you’re facing a conversation you just don’t want to have, start by asking yourself whether it meets these criteria. If it’s low stakes, it may not be worth having. If it’s not super emotional, it may not be worth stressing over. And if there really is a right answer, then that might be a feedback conversation.
But for now, let’s assume it’s a crucial one. So with criteria met, how do you have it effectively?
1. Do some prep work. OK. Because of the whole high-stakes, high-emotion thing, you want to head into this conversation with something of a gameplan. Here are some questions you should ask yourself—and answer—before diving in.
Let’s consider this situation with your well-meaning boss who’s hogging the spotlight.
Having clarity around objectives and the other person’s defaults can help you prepare for the outcome you’d like by having the right data or stories—or whatever you’ll need—on hand.
2. Present facts and stories, but keep them separate. In every situation, there are facts and there are stories. Like, fact: the last time there was a big presentation, your boss did all the talking. Story: you’re concerned the absence of your voice is holding you back from bigger opportunities. Maybe you’re even worried your boss doesn’t trust you to deliver.
All of this is fair. But when you deliver your message to your boss, it’s important that he hear the distinction between fact and story. If you go in hot, saying “you never give me the opportunity to speak because you don’t trust me” (blending fact and story together), you’ll lose your boss quickly. Because, as it turns out, he totally trusts you!
Leading with an accusation that rings false can leave your boss feeling attacked. And this is exactly what triggers those high emotions. This is a landmine we want to step carefully around.
Instead start with the facts. “In those last 3 presentations, I was hoping to have an opportunity to speak at some point, but I was asked to take notes and advance slides.” This is indisputable. Start there and then move onto the impacts. “It was kind of a bummer because I’m worried maybe you don’t trust that I’m ready to present to the leadership team.” And there’s your story. That piece is debatable. But it puts your boss in the position of having to recognize facts and understand the impact they’ve had on you.
And now it’s your boss’s turn to reply. Be sure to listen and listen well. Because maybe there’s an entirely different story about why your role has been strong and silent. And remember, one of the elements of a crucial conversation is the possibility of strong emotions. Your boss may have a moment of feeling awful or guilty or afraid you’re gonna resign.
Create a safe space for emotions. Take a pause here and let it all be put on the table before moving to the next piece.
3. Propose options. Here you get to advocate for what you want. Ask, respectfully and boldly, but be willing to compromise. Maybe you’re hoping to run the show next time—give the whole dang presentation. And maybe, depending on what came out of the previous part of the conversation, your boss isn’t ready to make that leap.
So what are some options you might compromise on? Maybe when the next presentation comes around you get the opportunity to do the introduction and facilitate the Q + A at the end? Or maybe your boss shared a specific concern, and so your next step is to do some practice presentations so he can coach you on your public speaking skill.
The goal is to land on an option you both feel really good about. It addresses both of your concerns and hopes.
4. Plan your next steps. Get specific. You want to be sure that you and your boss are both clear and aligned on exactly what’s been agreed to.
Walking away with a loosey-goosey sense of “we’ll get ‘em next time” tends to lead to disappointment. Specifics—details, actions, dates, times—these should all be captured, ideally in writing.
This doesn’t need to be super heavy-handed. If you can do a quick verbal recap at the end of the conversation and then commit to emailing it his way (so you both have a copy) this will get it done. “OK,” you might say as you wrap up, “so for our next presentation on April 3rd, I’ll cover the intro and take us through the objectives for the day and then hand over to you. When you hit the final slide you’ll pass the mic back to me and I’ll run the Q+A piece. Is that what you heard as well?”
It’s always amazed me how differently two people can hear and interpret the same conversation. So don’t leave this bit to chance.
And there you go. The thing about crucial conversations is that we can almost always make an excuse not to have it. But when we finally do have it—if we’ve prepared well and facilitated openly—it nearly always leaves us in a better place. So now you. What do you know you need to address with someone? And are you feeling ready to get it done? Let me know how it goes!
Join me next week for another great episode. Until then, visit my website at leadabovenoise.com if your organization is looking to dial up its Employee Experience or deliver some leadership development that activates change. You can follow Modern Mentor on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Find and follow me on LinkedIn. Thanks so much for listening and have a successful week.