Some work relationships feel easy. And some… don’t. When a relationship feels rocky—even without a big conflict—there’s a path to a more collegial working relationships, even if you never become best friends.
Some work relationships feel easy. And some… don’t. When a relationship feels rocky—even without a big conflict—there’s a path to a more collegial working relationships, even if you never become best friends.
Modern Mentor is hosted by Rachel Cooke. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey, it’s Rachel Cooke, your Modern Mentor. I’m the founder of Lead Above Noise, where we help leaders activate high performance and dial back burnout. We run bootcamps, workshops, talks and offsites. Reach out anytime if your team could use a boost - Rachel@leadabovenoise.com.
And hey, if you’ve been listening to Modern Mentor and it’s sparked a fresh thought, helped you lead differently, or just made your workday feel a little more doable—I’d be so grateful if you left a quick rating or review in your podcast app. It’s a great way to help others find the show.
OK, so today let’s talk about Sandra. Wait - you know her too? No of course not. But she’s someone who worked for me some number of years ago. And she was really good at her job. She was just…hornary. You know - just always kind of cranky. And I really struggled to connect with her. I mean…we just weren’t friends.
It troubled me. Until one day one of my actual friends reminded me that not everyone at work has to be my friend. Having friends at work is great. And we should all strive for it. But we can pick and choose the relationships we elevate to that level.
What is important is our ability to work successfully with everyone at work. Whether or not we like or enjoy each other, we need to respect and collaborate with each other.
Maybe you’re struggling these days to do that with someone. And btw so many of us are. Let’s talk about what we can do in those moments—how we might gently reset a work relationship that feels rocky, even if there wasn’t a specific incident that created the tension.
Sometimes it’s a personality clash. Sometimes it’s just misalignment or a buildup of small things that never quite got resolved. Either way, if the energy’s off, it’s worth pausing and paying attention.
For me, when a dynamic starts to feel strained, I find the most helpful way through is to think about it in two phases. First, Reflect. Then, Repair.
Before you reach out to say anything or try to change anything, you’ve got to start by checking in with yourself. This phase is all about clarity—getting honest, getting curious, and figuring out what’s really going on.
Step one: Get clear on what’s bothering you.
This means taking your feelings—hurt, annoyed, shut down—and grounding them in something observable. If you’re feeling dismissed, ask yourself what’s actually happening. Are they interrupting you? Ignoring your messages? Giving off a tone that feels sharp? The goal here is to translate “they make me feel X” into “they did or said Y.”
The more specific you are, the more you’ll be able to either let it go, or name it clearly when it’s time to have a conversation. “I feel shut down” is hard to respond to. “When I share an idea and they don’t acknowledge it, I walk away unsure if I’m being heard”—that’s something you can talk about.
Step two: Separate story from fact.
Our brains are amazing storytellers. And sometimes we build whole narratives about someone’s motives without realizing it. “She’s out to get me.” “He thinks he’s better than everyone.” It happens quickly—especially when we’re feeling stressed or vulnerable.
So pause. Ask yourself: What’s the story I’ve been telling about this person? And then—what’s another explanation that could also be true?
Maybe they’re overwhelmed. Maybe they’re under pressure you can’t see. Maybe they’re wired differently—quieter, more task-focused, less expressive.
Assuming positive intent doesn’t mean excusing everything. It just means creating a little breathing room between your experience and your assumptions. And that breathing room? It makes the next step easier.
Step three: Own your part.
This is not about taking all the blame. This is about asking, How might I be contributing to this dynamic—intentionally or not?
Maybe you’ve been holding back. Or avoiding direct feedback. Maybe you’ve been short or distant because you assumed they didn’t want to engage.
Even if your piece is small, owning it is powerful. It shifts you from being a passive observer of the tension to someone who has agency to influence the dynamic. And it builds massive credibility if and when you open a conversation later.
Step four: Get clear on what you want instead.
Don’t go into a conversation hoping for total harmony or deep connection. That’s not the bar. The bar is a working relationship that feels functional, respectful, and maybe just a little bit easier.
So ask yourself: What would “better” look like here? Maybe it’s smoother handoffs. More acknowledgment in meetings. Fewer misunderstandings around deadlines. And just as importantly—what would you be willing to do to help make that happen?
Clarity here is key. Because once you know what you want, and what you’re offering, you’re ready to move into the next phase: Repair.
Hopefully now you feel ready to have a conversation. This isn’t about confrontation. It’s about co-creation.
Step one: Reach out with curiosity and care.
This isn’t “We need to talk.” This is an open door. I often like to start gently. Something like, “Hey, I’ve been thinking about how we’re working together, and I’d love to talk about how we can make it feel a little smoother—if you’re open.”
It’s simple. It’s direct. And it signals respect and a willingness to engage without putting someone on the defensive.
Step two: Share what you’ve noticed, not who they are.
Remember that specificity from your reflection phase? This is where you bring it in.
Rather than saying “You’re dismissive,” say, “There’ve been a few times in meetings where I’ve shared an idea and it hasn’t gotten a response. I’m guessing this isn’t your intent, but in those moments I tend to talk away wondering if I missed the mark.”
You’re naming the moment, not assigning motive. And that keeps the conversation in a space where change is possible.
Step three: Make an offer—and ask for theirs.
You’re not just here to air a grievance. You’re here to build something better. So bring a suggestion. Offer to change something yourself.
“Would you be up for a quick check-in ahead of the next presentation just so you and I can align in advance? I wonder if that might set us up to feel more shoulder-to-shoulder during the meeting. I’m happy to schedule it if you’re open.”
And then ask: “Is there anything I could do differently that would make working together easier for you?” That question changes the game. It shifts the conversation from correction to collaboration.
Step four: Listen with openness, not defensiveness.
If you’ve invited input—really invited it—then be ready to receive it. You might hear something surprising. You might hear something hard.
But if you can stay present, and resist the urge to explain or justify, you might also hear something useful. Something that helps you understand why things feel off—and how to make them feel better.
This part can be uncomfortable. But it’s also where most of the shift happens. Because when someone feels heard, they tend to soften. And when you both feel heard? That’s when real repair begins.
In my experience all those years ago with Sandra, I learned a lot from taking this approach with her. Turns out she was really overwhelmed with a few things, and that was largely driving her brusque manner with me. We found her some resources to help manage her workload, and found our way to better. Also, we never became friends. But all was well enough!
If your team is navigating relational hiccups—or you want to build a culture where clear, caring communication is the norm—I’d love to support you. Reach out to me at Rachel@leadabovenoise.com or visit leadabovenoise.com.
And if you’re enjoying the show, don’t forget to follow Modern Mentor on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Thanks so much for being here—and have a grounded, connected week.
Modern Mentor is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. It’s audio-engineered by Dan Feirabend. Our Director of Podcasts is Brannan Goetschius. Our Podcast and Advertising Operations Specialist is Morgan Christianson. Our Digital Operations Specialist is Holly Hutchings. Our Marketing Contractor is Nathaniel Hoopes.