You're giving work your all, but you're just not feeling appreciated. Modern Mentor has 5 ways to find the love.
You're giving work your all, but you're just not feeling appreciated. Modern Mentor has 5 ways to find the love.
Modern Mentor is hosted by Rachel Cooke. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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You’re doing your thing at work – you’re hitting goals, making magic, keeping the train on the tracks, and … [birds chirping]. Where, you’re wondering, is the love? The pat on the back, the feeling of being recognized for your effort and achievements? Does your company value you?
Feeling underappreciated at work can be painful. We spend roughly a third of our lives working. Shouldn’t we feel good about what we’re doing there all those hours?
If you’ve been feeling like your hard work is going unnoticed and underappreciated, then let’s talk about what you can do to reclaim your value.
Nearly 30 years ago, relationship counselor and author Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages. In this book, Chapman explains that each of us expresses – and wants to receive affection in different ways. And understanding how we choose to receive that affection is critical.
Personally, my love language is Acts of Service. This means that when my husband wants to woo me, he knows that dropping off my dry cleaning or getting my cracked phone screen repaired will mean more to me than gifts of flowers or candy ever could. These, for me, are the greatest expressions of love. But he only knows this because I’ve told him so.
Too much information? Perhaps. But I believe the same concept applies in the workplace. Not in terms of affection, but rather recognition. In order to feel more appreciated, it’s important that you understand what your version of appreciated looks and feels like.
So ask yourself this question: When do I feel valued? What has someone said or done to leave me feeling this way?
Some of us may be seeking a private thank you, while others want public recognition. Some feel appreciated upon receiving an award or spot bonus, while others strive to have their opinions sought out.
There are no wrong answers here, so be honest with yourself.
So now you understand how you like to feel valued or recognized. But before you go ringing the alarm bells, ask yourself – is it possible that you are being recognized, but not in the ways you’re looking for?
Just last week I was talking to a client, Lucy, who was struggling with feeling underappreciated at work.
“I’m giving this role everything I have, “she told me, “but I haven’t received a single note of praise or thank you. In fact, all I’m getting is more work – I’ve now been asked to lead a committee which feels like punishment!”
In this moment, I could see what she couldn’t. This committee, it turned out, was positioned to be making some very important and visible decisions that would impact the company’s future. Lucy’s appointment to this committee was a huge moment of recognition for her. She just couldn’t see it because it wasn’t written in her love language.
“Lucy,” I told her, “you’re looking for an expression of gratitude, but you’ve been given a huge vote of confidence. Your place on this committee is recognition of your competence -- of how much leadership values your opinion.”
This refresh was big for her.
Now it’s your turn. Take a look around. Have you been asked to join a committee? To mentor a colleague, to offer advice? Have you been invited to present or teach or lead a project? Challenge yourself to look for recognition in ways you hadn’t considered. It may be hiding in plain sight.
If you’ve taken stock of the possibilities around you and you’re still not feeling the love, then it may be time to talk to your boss – or someone influential to you. Sit down with them, and be honest about your concern. How is your feeling underappreciated impacting your performance at work?
The goal is not to go in entitled or demanding, but rather curious about how you’re doing. It’s a great opportunity to self-promote (without feeling icky) – to highlight some of the achievements you’re most proud of. Your boss may just be taking your hard work for granted. So let them know both that you’d like to be recognized, and how they can most impactfully do this for you.
Some things you might say include:
The key elements in these examples are:
Let this be your winning formula.
One of the best ways to bump up the recognition you receive is by role-modeling the practice. You may not be in a position to hand out Cadillacs like Oprah, but surely you can express gratitude to highlight a colleague’s hard work or bold idea. Or you might proactively seek someone’s expertise in order to let them showcase their hard-earned knowledge.
There are so many ways to show someone you value them. If it’s not happening organically on your team, then why don’t you get the ball rolling?
Be the example you’d like to see. Others will follow your lead.
The pandemic of 2020 changed the world of work overnight, and in some ways possibly forever. That may sound dramatic, but we are in a collective process of redefining what, where, when, and how we work. And candidly, many leaders are simply distracted right now. Figuring out how to maintain client engagement, how to do research and development, how to coach, develop, and manage their teams – these are all open questions sitting on the shoulders of our leaders.
It’s not an excuse for anyone to lose sight of the importance of recognizing their team members. It’s simply a possible explanation. Your boss may be overwhelmed right now. Still, get on their calendar and have the conversation. Be proactive and ask for what you need. But be mindful of what they may still be wading through, and offer them just a bit of grace.